Happy Anniversary

Two years ago tonight, on December 10, 2006, Spring Awakening opened at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre. Six months later, on June 10, 2007, they won 8 Tony Awards. In 41 days, I'll be attending the closing performance. The star burned briefly, folks. Still, here's a toast to a brilliant show, and a brilliant run. Seriously, I'm raising my water bottle right now.

And, with the death of the "serious" shows, comes the onslaught of corporate drivel. We got word today that Spiderman: The Musical is gonna start rehearsals in June. I hoped I would never live to see the day, but there you have it. It won't be long until we see Twilight: The Musical, starring Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus. The day the marquee goes up is the day I give up all hope for the future of musical theatre.

Still, there may be hope for the abomination that is sure to be Spiderman: The Musical. Apparently, Evan Rachel Wood got cast as Mary Jane. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I saw her in Thirteen, and I was rather impressed. Of course, this does not mean that I'll be going to see the show, though. Please don't tell me I'm the only one who's ever seen Thirteen! It's brilliant. I say brilliant a lot, don't I?

Anyway, here's a still shot from the movie. See that girl on the left? That's Nikki Reed. She played Rosalie in Twilight. Trust me, she was better in Thirteen. Except I can barely sit through Thirteen, 'cause it's muy gritty and tres depressing. Lotsa drugs, cursing, crime, violence, and one scene where this girl runs a razor blade up her arm. I can't watch that scene. It's the reason why I have a phobia of knives. Don't judge me. See, now THIS movie would make a great musical! I can see it now! Coming soon: The new musical by Sheik and Sater: "THIRTEEN!" *wailing guitar riff* Ironically, there's a musical out now with the same title. However, that, along with almost every other Broadway show, is on its way out.

God Help Us All

I have a confession to make. I am not proud of what I have done. I am now paying for my actions. This is what happened, though it twists my heartstrings to tell the tale. I was at my neighbor's house. We were playing Rockband. I was rocking out on the drums to Cool for Cats. (If you've never heard Cool for Cats, you're missing out.) I am supremely good at playing Cool for Cats. I have learned to fall into a natural rhythm, so I can think and play at the same time. I don't know what demon posessed me, but I suddenly blurted out, "We should go see Twilight." WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! I honestly don't know what came over me. But I went out. At seven o'clock. On a Sunday night. IN MY PAJAMAS. And I sat through Twilight. I think whatever wave I was riding crashed about halfway through, when I started fighting the powerful urge to shoot myself. Honestly, I don't know how I ever sat through this movie and didn't realize how BORING it is. Maybe that's just because I've now seen it multiple times, but through most of the movie I just sat there counting the minutes until I had to finally get out of there. If I had trouble with the two-hour Twilight, sitting through the three-and-a-half hour August:Osage County is gonna be oodles of fun. Then again, I've read August:Osage County, and it's brilliant. When and if I get to see the play, maybe it won't be that bad.

Well, on the brighter side, I happened to turn on my TV precisely 48 minutes ago and to what did my wondering eye did appear? Speech and Debate's Sarah Steele, aka the most brilliant actress I've ever seen. I know you've never heard of her. Most people haven't. But she's great. Watch the Roxie Wollinsky videos in the sidebar. That's her. I have to say, though, as this episode of Law and Order unfolds (and I don't do Law and Order), it's sucking more and more. Gritty New York cops who are the polar opposites of each other. Wow, we haven't heard that one before. This one's about a kid who got killed via Facebook or something like that. What a wonderful opportunity for me to segue into my aversion to Facebook and Myspace, and the people who use them. To be honest, I find the whole thing incredibly stupid. They're just corporate attempts to further computerize, robotize, and depersonalize the American youth. This is not Nazi Germany, people. Can we at least TRY to maintain our individuality? Seriously, how many pages have people created that say something like "lIvE lAUgh LuV"? Now, who can tell me where that came from? Nobody? It's from Follies, Stephen Sondheim's crowning acheivment. Google it. I'm not making this stuff up. And how many times have you said or heard someone say, "You know what? I'm removing him from my top." or "I've known her for two days and she put me in her top!" Really, folks? Are we all freaking serious here? Or are we all just twelve year olds? You can all hear yourselves, right? Whatever happened to human interaction? Whatever happened to actually confronting someone you're angry with and talking it out, rather than just deleting them from your Top 8? Whatever happened to class? Seriously, people. There is a REASON I have a blog, not a Myspace or a Facebook account. There is a REASON I don't post every single day. I've seen Cabaret: "What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play." It's my personal motto, right up there with, "Buon appetit, douchebag."

It's a Big, Bright, Beautiful World

Hello, darlings!! Despite the fact that I am feeling rather under the weather, and haven't been out of this house in three days, I am having a perfectly marvelous day today. Sure, we're officially in a recession, and my poor laptop isn't long for the cause, and every day a new Broadway show announces its closing. But it's a beautiful day, and I'm pretty sure there's something in this medicine that is responsible for this euphoria. But there's a bigger, deeper reason for my lovely mood and positiviely radiant smile, folks. As I said, the carnage continues on Broadway. Every day a new closing notice. It's a massacre, and the people are demanding blood. Yesterday's casualty was Boeing Boeing, which will breathe its last on January 4. But guess what today's was! GREASE!! Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Of course I'm not happy that the cast and crew are all going to lose their jobs, but this is one show that I am in no way, shape, or form sorry to see go. It's really mean of me, but I feel...avenged. At least if Spring Awakening has to go, it's bringing Grease down with it. Actually, Grease is going first, on January 4, along with Hairspray and Boeing Boeing. That'll be followed by Spamalot on January 11, and Spring Awakening on January 18, and then Gypsy on March 1. It's an epidemic, but it's far from over. Still, Grease has gotten the axe. There is justice left in the world. Of course, there are those who loved the show, and to them I say, in my best Stewie Griffin impression, "Yeah, that doesn't feel so good, does it? How's that taste?" But it doesn't really matter, since the only people that have enjoyed the show are grossly uncultured tourists who see one show every ten years. Well, as the Good Lord says, "Good riddance to bad rubbish." And, as the crazy baker from Sweeney Todd says, "DIE! DIE! GOD IN HEAVEN'S NAME, WON'T YOU DIE?!"

Teh Lolz Be Killin Meh

Oh, this just keeps better and better, doesn't it? As the title implies, teh lolz be killin meh. Look what's fallen into my lap: an incredibly bizarre, uncomfortable, and awkward Twilight video! I may possibly love it more than the pictures posted below. But that is unconfirmed and confidential information. So here we go. Curtain up! Light the lights! http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid372203941?bctid=2881433001

Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait. Done? Fantabulous. I told you it was bizarre. What, did you not believe me? My personal favorite part is when Robert Pattison says, "I'm a tool." Good, so you admit it. He's also rather drunkish, isn't he? Poor chap. And Kristen Stewart. Oh, my. My second favorite part is where she runs her hand through her hair and slurs, "Get the f*ck to the theatre and see Twilight." Um, okay. I'll get right on it. No, really, I will.

Oh, how I look forward to the day when they make Breaking Dawn. The book alone is uncomfortable to read. We really don't need to read all the details of vampire birth, do we? Apparently we do. I cannot WAIT to see how that translates on to the screen. Especially with two young actors as impeccably talented as Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun. Seriously, where can I preorder my tickets? Personally, I am not some sick sadomasochist who would want to be in a scene like that, but apparently KStew and RPattz are more than willing. After all, it's like the incredibly creepy Emcee from Cabaret says, "Money makes da vorld go 'round."

I can't believe that there are people who are actually going for all this crap. Take these guys, for example. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A105u7sDCLE Here we have four GROWN MEN practically going into cardiac arrest over the stupid trailer. Sure, it's freaking hilarious, but the guy in the lower right hand corner looks like he's about to eat his own hand. And then he actually gets so excited that he throws up. I thought only dogs did that, but whatever. All four of these guys claim to be straight. If the are, then the next generation is screwed beyond belief. So when your children's gene pools suck, blame Twilight. Just for the record, I find this video to be almost as funny as Stewie Griffin's reaction to Two Girls One Cup. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBl7zJYW6Cg) That is Family Guy GOLD!

One last thing before I go: Apparently, I have 36 viruses on my laptop. Wonderful, right? So if you happen to read a post that says something like " i luv sarah palin n kristen stewart hsm 3 was the best movie everrr omg lol i hate family guy i am a republican," that's the virus talking, not me.

This Deserves an Entry All Its Own!

Okay, I know it's been like two hours since my last post. But I found something that I cannot in good consciene keep from you. My new Christmas wish is to have this picture framed and hung in my room. I seriously cannot possibly express how insanely much I love it, or how insanely happy it makes me. There are no words that could possibly express how much I love it. As soon as I saw it I thought, that goes RIGHT to the blog!!! It's also my new laptop background. Okay, kids. Curtain up. Light the lights. HERE SHE IS, BOYS! HERE SHE IS, WORLD!!!!I love this picture so much I am shaking. Yes, that's Kristen Stewart. Yes, she's smoking pot. This is gonna be all over the tabloids, but you heard it here first, folks. I don't even know what else to say to express how much I love this picture. The thing that makes it so hilarious is not that she's smoking pot, but that she's OUTSIDE. On her front stoop. Where absolutely anybody can see her and take pictures of her. What a freaking idiot. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing that could make me love this picture more is if it were Patti LuPone sitting there getting high. Oh, KStew. You have truly reached a new level of stupidity. At least now I know why she never seems to show any emotion. It's allllllll cooooolllllll, folks. It's alllllllll coooooolllll. She's gonna be able to buy lots and lots of drugs with her Twilight salary. But wait! There's MORE!

Her dog scares me.

The producers sure aren't gonna be happy. Maybe they'll replace her and I'll get my Christmas wish after all!! I don't think so, though. If Equus didn't kill Harry Potter, this probably won't kill Twilight. Them fancy shmancy Hollywood fellers'll get her out of it. They'll say it's herbal tobacco or something like that. I, however, remain unconvinced. Oh, KStew. You and your drugs.

Christmas Wishes

Welcome back, suckers. Glad to see you're still here. (If, in fact, you are actually reading this and I'm not just talking to myself like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And that's a freaking great movie, FYI.) So, today is the first official day of the Christmas Season: Black Friday. Already, there has been one Christmas Casualty. Some poor Walmart worker was trampled to death by a crowd of rabid shoppers. Come the hell on, people. This is not Lord of the Flies. Stand in line like a normal freaking adult. You'll get your discounted TV soon enough, you goddamn savage. I don't know about you guys, but where I come from, there are better places to shop than Walmart. This is not Wyoming. I would be pretty damn offended if my Christmas present came from Walmart. I guess Mormon-style floral print frocks and kitten sweaters just aren't my thing.

But, I thought it would be fun (for me, not for you), to list what I actually DO want for Christmas. So here we go:

First up are tickets to August: Osage County. I don't know about you, but I think it would be pretty awesome to see a grown woman scream, "EAT THE FISH, BITCH!" at her mother. For those of you who think I'm crazy, remember: I go for the offbeat stuff. Keep in mind that my second-favorite show stars a pair of Siamese twins. I don't care what anybody says, SIDE SHOW was Broadway gold. If my predictions are correct, August: Osage County, like most other good shows, is on its way out. I just hope I get to see it before they post the dreaded closing notice.

Two: A kickass time machine so I could go back in time to 2001 and see Gina Gershon in Cabaret. I love love love love love Cabaret. It's the darkest most bizarre-o show ever, and it's partly why I'm afraid of Alan Cumming. But that's a whole other story. In my opinion, Gina Gershon was the best Sally Bowles in that revival. Oh, and I don't think Liza is the definitive Sally. That's right, I said it! Now who's gonna care enough to call me on it? It's not really her fault though. When you get right down to it, the movie isn't really Cabaret. It's just another story built around the music. And the final song is meant to be a complete mental breakdown number, not a lovely little chance for Sally to show off her pretty purple dress. Seriously. Google "Jane Horrocks Cabaret" and prepare to be terrified. It's scarier than the economy.

Third: It would just be ginger peachy if they could remake Twilight. It would be even more ginger peachy if they could cast a new Bella that actually showed some emotion. Let's get one thing straight here, folks: I am no Twilight fan. I don't care very much either way. I can take or leave the books that most teenagers are reading as if the pages are laced with crack. I care even less about the movie. It just bothers me because it enhances the stereotype that Kristen Stewart is talented. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have a Momma Rose moment. Stand back. "You haven't any talent! Talent for the deaf, dumb, and blind, maybe! Not an ounce of it!" So there.

Fourth: I cannot tell you all how very much I would love it if Sarah Palin got her own talk show. I promise I would tune in every night. She could be like a Moose Whisperer. I think she would be pretty good at that, don't you? My next door neighbor, "Maisie" (heh heh. Maisie.) shares my sentiments. She too is fascinated with Sarah Palin. It's like when you drive past a car accident: It's a horrible, horrible, twisted wreck, and yet you can't look away. In fact, I promised Maisie that I would quote her on my blog. It was she who said, "I love Sarah Palin. I like become her at night." Truer words have never been spoken, friends.

Curtain Up! Light the Lights!

Hello, darlings! Well, looks like I'm going to be recanting some statements today, folks. Lenora and I went to see Gypsy this afternoon. Side note: Lenora's older sister is the only person I've met who can keep up when I talk Broadway. Brava. But anyway. Our day began with a visit to Starbucks. Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I don't do Starbucks. I have no idea what the difference between "grande" and "tall" is. I don't drink coffee. I don't know how to pronounce the word "chai." So while I stood in the world's smallest Starbucks, surrounded by people who were ordering fast and furious at the counter, I amused myself by playing Spot the Tourists and Spot the Actors. I'm very good at both, but Spot the Tourists in more fun. And less creepy. And easier. But that's all beside the point. So after this little corporate encounter I decided to show Lenora the greatest store in the history of absolutely everything: Colony. They have every single piece of sheet music ever written, and it's all for ridiculously high prices. Fun. (And if you've never gone to Colony get up and go RIGHT NOW. 49th and Broadway. I'll wait.) Of course, this heavenly store is on the same block as my poor fated Spring, and seeing the theatre where I was having so much fun a mere six months ago once again viciously ripped open the already festering and gushing wound in my heart that the closing notice had left. Happy Exaggerate Outrageously Day.



So we scuttled over to the St. James Theatre, where we were informed that Patti LuPone would, in fact, be going on today. Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it. As we settled into our wonderful aisle seats, I prepared myself to sit through another three hours of her snarling voice and oka acting. Since I had seen the show before, I knew that Patti first made her entrance by running down the right aisle. It so happened that we were now sitting next to this very aisle. Lenora and I, being the freaks that we are, obsessively watched the back door, waiting for Patti to make her secretive entrance. Confession: When she finally did, my heart started hammering. I am not and probably never will be a LuPone fan. But she's still a legend, and being in her presence was enough to make me freak out. But, let me tell ya, Patti wasn't looking too happy. I dared to glance at her twice, and she was scowling at the stage. I was afraid to look at her after that, for fear that if we made eye contact it would cause her to attack me with a hatchet. This is the woman who told the orchestra to shut up as she was accepting her second Tony. Just imagine what she would do to and unsuspecting, innocent little girl like me.



When she finally did stream down the aisle yelling, "Sing out, Louise!" I knew right away that this time was going to be different from the first time I had sat through Gypsy. I wasn't too fond of the show back in July. But it was different this time. It had evolved. It had gotten better. All that time ago, when I was such a wee inexperience theatre goer (remember, it's Exaggerate Outrageously Day), I thought that LuPone's performance was underdeveloped and amateurish, because it was exactly how any person off the street would behave. I didn't realize how incredibly hard it is to get that good. So I'm not denying that she has the acting chops. HOWEVER, I still can call her on her snarling dog voice. And I'm sticking by my theory that the real one to watch is Laura Benanti, who plays Louise, "the stripper." The one that stole the whole show was Marilyn Caskey, who played Electra, the stripper who's had too much electroshock therapy.

We hung around after the show. When one of the ushers (and, may I point out, the St. James has rather snippy ushers. If I want to unwrap my Twizzlers during Some People I'll do it, damn it!) came up to us to kick us out, I grew indignant and thundered, "Don't you know who I AM?" The poor usher shrank back in shame and said, "Oh, my God! You're the Incendiary Goat! Oh, God, I'm sorry! How could I not have recognized you?" Yeah, that's right, punk. Well, due to my celebrit-ay connections, and the fact that Lenora is related to one of the ushers, we were able to talk our way backstage. We went through several narrow, freezing hallways, past a few setpieces, and finally stood center stage. Trust me, it's not that great to see what Patti LuPone sees every night. The theatre isn't that big. I was tempted to go all Rose's Turn and scream out, "Here she is, boys! Here she is, world!" or perhaps sing a chorus of Together, Wherever We Go, but I was able to fight the demons and contain myself. You gotta admit, though, it woulda been pretty kickass to tell my grandkids that I performed Rose's Turn on the same stage as the legendary Patti LuPone. Of course, she wasn't actually ON the stage with me at that time, but I would leave that part out.

So we scuttled back through the hallways. We saw Boyd Gaines, who played Herbie. I heard someone yell out, "Bye, Boydie!" I turned around and oh my sweet Jesus it's the actress who plays Mazeppa, the trumpet-blasting stripper. Guess what her name is, guys. Guess. Lenora Nemetz. LENORA Nemetz. I'm not making that up. Lenora Nemetz is my new favorite human being. Best part: We exited through the stage door. There were crowds of people out there, and they all looked up expectantly when we walked out. Hello, darlings! Yes, it's me. No autographs, please. Life's good on the other side of the barricade.