God, I Hope I Get It

Welcome back, suckers. Happy Mardi Gras. I am still debating over what to give up for Lent. Any suggestions? I considered giving up all things associated with one of my favorite shows, but I can't. Who would I be if I couldn't quote August:Osage County? If I couldn't stomp my feet Spring Awakening style to express my pent-up angst? If I couldn't reference random, obscure shows in my blog posts? I also thought about not seeing any Broadway shows for the entire 40 days. Usually, that wouldn't be a problem, but then I realized I'm already seeing Phantom on April 3 for Lenora's birthday. Gosh darn you, Lenora, you're standing in the way of my piety. Oh, well. I will eventually think of something I am willing to part with.

But that is not the reason I'm here. I am here in order to make a big announcement. I, Insert My Name Here, have decided to audition for my first play. I am 98.54645% sure I will attempt to duck out of said audition, but I have given Lenora strict instructions to force me to go through with it. If necessary, apply physical force. Shoot to kill if it comes to that. Of course, I am well aware of the fact that the play is student-penned and its corniness and unbearable cuteness will rival Dainty June's act. Apparently, it's about all the Disney princesses in a room together. I am trying very, very hard to keep the snarky comments to myself, but I'm basically choking on them at this point. I am also well aware of the fact that the auditions are student-conducted and fixed. Things are not looking good for me. Have I ever told you folks my motto, though? "Take the chance, because it could be your last." Usually, I am just some kind of mini-Momma Rose, standing in the shadows handing out sheet music and suggestion song choices. My one intrepid venture into the world of ushering left me haggard, harried, and wondering if seeing-eye dogs are allowed in the auditorium. (Who would ever think to make a rule for that?)

Ooh, I have just been struck with a brilliant idea! This bottle on the left is filled with my kryptonite: Blue Powerade. On average, I drink two a day. It's a sickness, a serious addiction. It also may be the reason I stay up till two a.m. More August - Violet: "See these little blue babies? They are my best f*cking friends and they never let me down! Try to get 'em away from me and I'll eat you alive!" Oh, Violet. You and your drugs. Henceforth, I am vowing not to drink a single sip of this stuff for entirety of Lent. I wonder what Powerade withdrawal symptoms are like. Will I end up passed out on the kitchen floor? Will I become extremely irritable and explode like Patti LuPone does when someone takes a picture of her? Only time will tell.

Edit: I thought I'd divulge a fun fact I learned from Lenora. Apparently, we good little Catholics are not allowed to say the word that starts with a and ends with lleluia during Lent. I never knew that, but now that I do, all I want to do is say it. I hardly ever use this word, but now I'm having trouble constructing sentences in which I do not use it. Confession: Whenever I'm home alone, I play the piano really loud and sing at the top of my lungs. Just a few minutes ago, I was singing Rose's Turn. It's a fun song to sing, but I didn't realize that one of my favorite lines feature this forbidden word. I remembered Lenora's warning as I was singing it, so the line came out something like: "Hold your hats and mumble mumble Momma's gonna show it to ya." Fun.

Also, here's a fun little anecdote to make you all feel incredibly creeped out. I was taking the very crowded bus home today, and about halfway there a creeper in an orange Tigger sweatshirt got on and moved to the back of the bus where I was sitting. I didn't pay much attention to him at first. Thirty year olds in Tigger sweatshirts are sadly pretty commonplace around here. Ten minutes later, I realized that this wacko was massaging the shoulder of some terrified thirteen-year-old who was standing infront of him. Eventually the poor girl plucked up her courage and said, "Don't touch me." This gracious gentleman replied, "What if I like touching things?" I don't know why, but that comment practically made my blood boil. It's up there on the list of Most Sickening Things I've Ever Heard. To quote Barbara Fordham: "Oh, my God! Do you believe that f*cking freak?!" Was this guy one of the twenty thousand child molesters and rapists who just got kicked off Myspace? It wouldn't surprise me. Lock your doors, folks.