I Regret Nothing

As Brian once said to Stewie in an epic Family Guy episode, "You friggin' psychopath." I now am wondering if he was referring to me. Last night, I was artistically inspired and stayed up till four working on my novel. Translation: The insomniac bitch drank too much Powerade and was up for hours scribbling away in her crappy little book. And I went to bed. I woke up at two today. I am not proud of that. So I checked my phone, and there was a call from Daddy. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to the Hair CD signing today. Well, I did what anyone would have done. I dropped everything. And I went running out to this CD signing, along with Berri and Lenora. And guess what. We went to see Hair. I am not proud of that either. But I did it, and I had a wonderful time, and it was the best rash decision I made all summer.

On the way there, I decided that I was going to see Hair, and ain't nobody was gonna be stoppin' me. So I risked dealing with the droney Telecharge lady, and I got tickets for the eight o'clock show. It was a bad decision. It was reckless. I loved it. We went to the CD signing, and it was great. I had fun. I love having fun. Fun is what I live for. So after that, we had dinner at Sweet Caroline's. Poor folks, there was nobody in there. Literally. Nobody was in there. We were all decked out in true hippie fashion. I had pirated Lenora's peacock earrings and flower headband, so the waitress asked us if we were going to see Billy Elliot. At the end of the meal, she drew a hippie on our check. New favorite restaurant.

I ran up to our seats first, and Berri and Lenora went to the bathroom. This is gonna sound really weird, but I like a few moments alone to take in the atmosphere, especially at this show. I love to just sit there and raise my face to the ceiling and wrap my mind around where I am, and what I am about to do. It's a whole detox process. This time, however, I didn't do any of that. I just shut my eyes and marveled at the fact that such a welcome surprise had landed in my lap. I was there, and I was happy. And happiness is not something I take lightly. Before the curtain went up, I just leaned over and hugged Lenora, giddy and so incredibly happy to be where I was. The show was, as always, wonderful. We had fantastic understudies for Claude and Crissy. Poor Berri can't catch a break when it comes to Claudes. I can honestly say that I loved every minute of it. Some highlights were watching Lenora get pulled up to dance during Electric Blues, Will Swenson's outrageous ad-libbing, including a LuPwning of The Latecomers, and all those little nuances and moments that make this show so damn brilliant. For instance, I love when Woof turns to the audience and simply says, "And I love you." It's a beautiful moment that nobody else seems to like. Everybody always makes fun of me because my very favorite scene is the one where Sheila and Berger fight. Really, people. Berger's an immature douchebag. He just is. Oh, dear. Now I've forever ruined that scene for myself. I'm never gonna be able to watch it again without thinking of the song Stewie writes - "And then Brian comes in and I change up the tempo. Brian comes in and he changes the song. Lookin' at me like he thinks I'm a douchebag..." Oh well. Anyway, if I haven't said it before, here it is: I love this show. During Aquarius, I just remember thinking, "There is no place on this earth that I would rather be right now." It's my laughing place. Everybody needs a laughing place, kinda like every Republican needs something to lie about.

After the show, we went down on the stage to dance. I was temporarily separated from my friends, but I caught up with them after worrying that I would look like some lonely idiot dancing around by herself. I have never seen so many happy people in one place before. Everyone just looked so unabashedly joyful. I turned to my right, and saw an old lady bouncing around and laughing hysterically. She proceeded to grab her husband and make out with him. I don't think I've ever believed in love as much as I did right then. Dancing on the stage is such a love fest. I found myself just grabbing Berri and Lenora and hugging them as tight as I could. There was a girl standing to my left, and she found herself randomly snatched up, hugged, and kissed by Will Swenson. As the scary Russian girl in my ballet class once said to me after I had answered the teacher's question: "That could have been me." So the show ends, and we shuffle off stage, receiving hugs from Will Swenson and Kacie Sheik, who, aside from being hugely pregnant at the time, is tiny tiny tiny. It felt kinda like hugging an ironing board.

We shuffled on down to the stage door. It was hot. It was sickeningly hot. I could seriously feel my makeup melting off my face, but it was worth it. Caissie Levy and her weave came out first. The first thing she said was, "Wow, my Sharpies suck tonight." I was horrified. Doesn't she know not to talk that way in front of the children? She smiled at Lenora and said, "Well, it's good to see you again," in a way that suggested it really wasn't that great to see her again. Bryce Ryness suckered Lenora into buying his band's album. It was so awkward. One of the tribe members, whose name is escaping me, complimented my headband. I told her that I had pirated it off Lenora. (While we're on the subject, Lenora ended up giving me that headband at the end of the night. I love Lenora and I love her headwear.) I have come to the conclusion that everything worth talking about happens to Lenora. Except I am the owner of the arm that got scribbled on by Will Swenson. He said sorry. The first thing that came to my head was "Thank-you." And I said it. Because I'm clearly not very smart at all. Really, I don't enjoy getting written on by strangers, thanks.

After it got too hot to hang around any longer, we made our way to Colony. I love it there. It is my second home. My hot, crowded, overpriced second home. I was hunting for the Caroline, or Change CD. The guy who worked there told me they didn't have it, and he said it was a shame that they never made a songbook, since it was such a beautiful score. We commiserated for a while. He said it was a shame that Tonya Pinkins lost the Tony. I love you, Colony Man.

I got myself a Blue Powerade at the EZ Deli, which once sold my dad poisonous cheese. Change your name all you want, deli people. You don't fool me. Strolling through the streets, I entered into that dizzy post-show phase where I just say whatever pops into my head. I can remember saying, "If somebody had told me last night that at this time tomorrow I would be here, I never woulda believed 'em. I'm still having trouble believing that this happened." (I'm actually still having some trouble believing it now. But there is still ink on my arm, and an autographed CD and Playbill on my dresser, and Lenora's headband on my kitchen table. It happened. Just goes to show ya, Blanche, ya REALLY never know what's comin'.) Lenora giggled that she felt high. It was at that point that I realized I had forgotten to warn her about the Hair High. "Yeah," I mumbled. "That happens a lot. You'll probably still be on it when you wake up tomorrow." As for me, I'm starting to crash a bit now.

Well, there it is. Perhaps from now on, I will expect the unexpected. No, I'm no one's wife, but, oh, I love my life. Hair is the type of show that I could see over and over and over and never get tired of it. And, as the ladies of the soon-to-be-ass-out 9 to 5 say, "I just might."