My New Haircut

Before we start, may Farrah Fawcett rest in peace. I done a bad thing, friends. I got my hair cut again. I don't know why I did it, but my brother did tell me that I looked high this morning. Thanks, bro. But maybe I was. That is the only possible explanation for why I decided to stroll into a beauty shop and get all my hair chopped off by a hair dresser who dropped everything she touched. Now, my hair, which reached halfway down my back when I woke up this morning, barely brushes my shoulders. Oh, God. What have I done?

When the hair dresser finished blow drying my hair, spun me around, and asked if I liked it, I nodded, faked a smile, and said yes. But really, two quotes flashed through my head. The first one was from A Streetcar Named Desire, act two scene seven. Mitch to Blanche: "Are you box outta your mind?" The second was from August: Osage County, act one scene two, Violet to Ivy: "You look like a lesbian."

This isn't good. Why the hell did I go and do this? It was reckless. It was irresponsible. It was the one impulsive decision I have ever made. As Peter Griffin said to Brian when he realized he's married to Molly Ringwald, "Oh, God, Brian. We messed up bad. We messed up real bad." My poor hair. Like Mattie Fae's casserole after Little Charles drops it, it cannot be saved. My God, I look like one of the Hanson brothers. This is a Ladies Who Lunch moment. "Does anyone still wear at hat?" Yes. Me.

Maybe we're living in some kind of alternate universe. Yeah, that must be it. We're in some kind of alternate reality where August: Osage County is closing, Farrah has passed, it hasn't been sunny in weeks, my hair looks awful, and for some reason Kacie Sheik is trying to choke Allison Case to death.