Split Decision

Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it. The high I was on when I last posted has been brought to a cruel and abrupt halt. I was loving my life. It was perfect. It was right there...I was, quite literally, tripping.

At 10:30 last night, I got an e-mail from Lenora. Apparently, her uncle is a security guard at Good Morning America and can get us in the day the Hair tribe is on. Well, I think you folks can pretty much imagine what my reaction was. I screamed. The shock knocked me off the bed, and for some reason that was funny to me. So for the next ten minutes I just kind of sat there on the floor, biting the edge of the blanket so no one would hear me screaming. I got so excited that I started to cry. It was pathetic, but I had drunk two blue Powerades, and they make me hyper. I didn't get to sleep until two in the morning because my little reverie had brought on a panic attack. Lord, I'm plagued by panic attacks. But sometimes they can be fun. Like the one I had when I saw Next to Normal. That was a fun one. So eventually I fell asleep, and had a dream that Andrea Martin was riding a moose through Central Park.

This morning, however, it all came crashing down on me. There's just one tiny problem - the date of the concert is June 26, which is also the last day of school. For me, that's no issue. I would be more than willing to skip school for this. It's the last day. They're not gonna teach anything important. Lenora, not so much. This throws a wrench into our plans. Somehow I knew this was gonna happen, folks. It was just too good to be true. Right now I'm going through some kind of Edie Beale phase, like the one where she laments over her missed audition with Max Gordon. "God damn it, Mother! You may me stay home! I was gonna get it! I gave it all up!"

I sat through an English final conjuring up ways to get over this obstacle. Here's the thing: I'm a terrible, narrow-minded, selfish person. Don't think I didn't consider pulling an Eric Cartman and saying, "Screw you guys, I'll go alone." And I'm not gonna lie. It's tempting. I'm pretty much ruthless when you get right down to it. Normally, if an opportunity like this presented itself, I'd go for it and let everyone else find their own way. I am so incredibly disgusted with myself, but I've always been that way. Which is why I am suppressing the willfulness for once. If Lenora isn't going, neither am I. Trying...very....hard...not to...quote... Sorry. I'm a weakling. "Wherever we go/Whatever we do/We're gonna go through it together."

So there you have it. I'm not gonna say missing this wouldn't be disappointing. It certainly would be, and I'd most likely be mad as hell. But too bad for me. I'd recover eventually. I got over the fact that SIDE SHOW didn't win in '98. Somehow I'll force my poor itty bitty heart to mend.