Monday, September 29, 2008

A Stroke of Inspiration

Welcome back, suckers. So while regailing one of my friends with the incredibly incredible details of my blog (gotta get the word out, ya know), this very wise friend had a streak of inspiration. We'll call this friend Lenora. No, that's not her name, but isn't that what everyone secretly wishes they were named? Well, "Lenora" suggested that I turn this blog into a lovely little haven for Broadway reviews and such. "You could be the Broadway Perez Hilton," she said. "Only you're not gay." Wiser, truer words have never been spoken. Well, I was never so pleased in my life! What skill! What wit! What nuance! I think I may have quite a way to go till I can count myself equal to the Great and Powerful Perez, but we all start somewhere. So why not start here? Okay, folks. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle, cause this is gonna get real ugly real fast.

This is Rent. Rent sucks. That's all I have to say about that.

This is Spring Awakening. Spring Awakening does not suck. Contrary to what most of you probably believe, Wicked is not the be all and end all of musical theatre. (I cannot tell you how gay I feel for saying that.) It isn't. Trust me. Go see Gypsy or something. I promise it won't suck. But I digress. Before Juno, before The Secret Life of the American Teenager, there was Spring's Awakening, a banned play by some German guy I can guarantee you've never heard of. It was written in 1891 and banned for a hundred years. Fast forward to 2006: subtract the 's, add a "ravishing pop-rock score" and throw in some nudity to shock the tourists. You've got what is currently known as Spring Awakening, and, as far as rock musicals about teenagers in oppressive German societies, this one takes the cake. Eight Tonys (that's good, for the theatre-ignorant among us), 600 performances, and four visits from me later, it's still running. Check it out if you get the chance.

On to my second favorite musical! SIDE SHOW! SIDE SHOW (yes, I always write it all big and obnoxious like that) was the third biggest flop in history. No, I do not know what flops one and two are. SIDE SHOW chronicles the story of Daisy and Violet Hilton, Siamese twins who went into vaudeville during the twenties and thirties. It features such classics as "Come Look at the Freaks" and "Say Good-bye to the Freak Show." Oh, and who could forget that great, soulful ballad "I Will Never Leave You", sung by the twins as they, at twenty-four years old, finally accept the incredibly obvious. Those of you who aren't picking up on the sarcasm here need not read any further. I do honestly love SIDE SHOW, though. Daisy and Violet really did exist. They were the original Hilton freaks. They are my heroes, after God and Cloris Leachman. Don't mock me. You're all just jealous cause none of you thought to have a pair of Siamese twins as your heroes. So there.

As a final thought, I leave you with this. I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks. The girl singing it is named Krysta Rodriguez and apparently she is a friend of a friend of a cousin I hardly know. I met her once. She tried to sell me bread pudding. I am NOT making this up here, kids. Just listen to the lyrics. "I'm gonna do what I want to/and I wanna dye my hair blue." True genius here, people.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Presenting, In Person, That Five Foot One Bundle of Dynamite...

Well, hello there!! Welcome to mah brand-spanking new blog!! I freaking love double exclamation points!! So, whether you are one of my dearest darling friends or some poor lost soul who has stumbled in here by accident, let's get down to business. First off: I am an absolute grammar freak, so my inability to indent on this damn site is infuriating to me. Forgive me my sins, folks. Second: there is a REASON that my name, age, and stuff like that are nowhere to be found on this blog. So those of you who know me personally, let's keep that on the D.L., shall we? Fantabulous. Okay. So I'm sure you're all just falling out of your chairs, dying to ask me those burning questions that are currently burning holes in your brain. Stop pretending that you aren't. I can see you. So FAQ number one: Why the weirdo user name? Well, children. There are three reasons why I have picked this heart-stoppingly original name. One: I am obsessed with keeping my private life private, so you're never gonna know my real name. Second: I do an amazing goat impression. I've sent in my resume to Disney to see if they will take my talent and put it to good use in their next useless, cookie-cutter movie about farm animals, but they have yet to get back to me. I wait in hope. Third: I have no freaking idea what "incendiary" means, but it's my new favorite word. Can goats actually be incendiary? Probably not. FAQ number two: Will this valiant blogging endeavor last more than a week? Probably not. FAQ number four: Do I expect anyone to be interested in what I have to say? Probably not.
Wonderful. Let's press on, shall we? You may ask, "But, *insert my name here*, were you always so witty and funny?" The answer is no, my good people, I wasn't. In fact, I'm just making it up as I go along. In my heart of hearts, I harbor the dark, discouraging knowledge that I am about as funny as Sarah Palin. But, I do cling to the faint, feeble hope that at least I am witty. And I think to myself, "Why not share this wit with the world?" So I decided to begin a blog. A blog! Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog! So there you have it. I'm creating a blog, a useless, pointless, boring blog filled with my limp attempts at humor and obscure Broadway references! (Reading over this post, I count two of those so far.)
From time to time I will post random, obscure Youtube videos that only I find funny or entertaining. Brownie points will be awarded to those of you who actually watch them. And maybe (you're gonna wanna be sitting down for this) I may occasionally share with you excerpts from one of my many literary trainwrecks! In fact, let's do that right now! Ready? Are you all sure you're ready for this? Okay... hold your hats, folks...."I smiled." BAM! That was a genuine sentence from a *insert my name here* original manuscript! Aren't you all glad I shared that with you? You can now die happy people knowing that you are among THE CHOSEN ONES.
All for now, darlings. I shall be back, eventually. Wait in joyful hope.