Sunday, September 28, 2008

Presenting, In Person, That Five Foot One Bundle of Dynamite...

Well, hello there!! Welcome to mah brand-spanking new blog!! I freaking love double exclamation points!! So, whether you are one of my dearest darling friends or some poor lost soul who has stumbled in here by accident, let's get down to business. First off: I am an absolute grammar freak, so my inability to indent on this damn site is infuriating to me. Forgive me my sins, folks. Second: there is a REASON that my name, age, and stuff like that are nowhere to be found on this blog. So those of you who know me personally, let's keep that on the D.L., shall we? Fantabulous. Okay. So I'm sure you're all just falling out of your chairs, dying to ask me those burning questions that are currently burning holes in your brain. Stop pretending that you aren't. I can see you. So FAQ number one: Why the weirdo user name? Well, children. There are three reasons why I have picked this heart-stoppingly original name. One: I am obsessed with keeping my private life private, so you're never gonna know my real name. Second: I do an amazing goat impression. I've sent in my resume to Disney to see if they will take my talent and put it to good use in their next useless, cookie-cutter movie about farm animals, but they have yet to get back to me. I wait in hope. Third: I have no freaking idea what "incendiary" means, but it's my new favorite word. Can goats actually be incendiary? Probably not. FAQ number two: Will this valiant blogging endeavor last more than a week? Probably not. FAQ number four: Do I expect anyone to be interested in what I have to say? Probably not.
Wonderful. Let's press on, shall we? You may ask, "But, *insert my name here*, were you always so witty and funny?" The answer is no, my good people, I wasn't. In fact, I'm just making it up as I go along. In my heart of hearts, I harbor the dark, discouraging knowledge that I am about as funny as Sarah Palin. But, I do cling to the faint, feeble hope that at least I am witty. And I think to myself, "Why not share this wit with the world?" So I decided to begin a blog. A blog! Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog! So there you have it. I'm creating a blog, a useless, pointless, boring blog filled with my limp attempts at humor and obscure Broadway references! (Reading over this post, I count two of those so far.)
From time to time I will post random, obscure Youtube videos that only I find funny or entertaining. Brownie points will be awarded to those of you who actually watch them. And maybe (you're gonna wanna be sitting down for this) I may occasionally share with you excerpts from one of my many literary trainwrecks! In fact, let's do that right now! Ready? Are you all sure you're ready for this? Okay... hold your hats, folks...."I smiled." BAM! That was a genuine sentence from a *insert my name here* original manuscript! Aren't you all glad I shared that with you? You can now die happy people knowing that you are among THE CHOSEN ONES.
All for now, darlings. I shall be back, eventually. Wait in joyful hope.

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