Thursday, December 31, 2009

Have You Heard?

As 2009 makes its exit, I have one last bit of wisdom I would like to share with you - BIRD IS THE WORD, YOU SUNZABITCHES!

Sorry. I've never seen this episode and it's hilarious.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Well #2...

Apparently, Christiane Noll is out on the 9th and 1oth. Now I'm REALLY not happy. That lady gives an epic performance.


I got my Ragtime closing tickets. I am not happy, because it will be a strictly Lenora-less performance. Damn it, if there was ever a show I know with 100% certainty that she would love, this was it. Oh noes, Lenora. Oh noes.

Journey On

Yes, I heard that too! Oh, what a wonderful thing to happen to a wonderful show. Yes, the closing was only pushed back a week, but it proves what I knew all along - THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE RAGTIME! They just needed a kick in the ass first.

And now I will let myself go to the closing, because now they're closing with some honor. They're going down swingin', so to speak. As I was lying in bed last night, one thought crossed my mind, "This isn't their time. Something isn't right here. They're not closing on Sunday." And lo and behold, their time it was not. Of course, it's only a week, but this is not over yet. At last, finally, god damn it, there is hope.

This is the most wonderful birthday present I could ask for.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Haikus are Fun

Indeed they are. And I am sensing that they are the only way this old crazy bitch could possibly vent her anger, sadness, and disappointment right now. The powers that be have dropped an ultimatum - I can go see Ragtime one last time, or I can go see Levy and Sheik at Joe's Pub. What to do?

I love those bitches.
But I also love Ragtime.
This shit is messed up.

I'm eating pizza.
While wearing a big Snuggie.
Suck on that bitches.

Ragtime is closing.
This is not okay with me.
Wicked should close now.

I love Stewie G.
He wants to kill his mother.
That's not very nice.

I like Cabaret.
It has Nazis and Hitler.
They are not nice guys.

I love Alice R.
She has red hair and blue eyes.
She is weird sometimes.

Vivien Leigh yay
She was good as Blanche DuBois
In the Streetcar film

P. LuPone - scary
She yells at the audience.
Stop taking pictures.

Monday, December 28, 2009


Yes, I heard. Son of a bitch. So Ragtime is closing for real this time. Of course I'm upset, don't ask me that. It's such a wonderful show. This just broke my heart. Lenora tells me to think about Night Music, Next to Normal, and Jersey Boys. God help me, screw 'em all. Well, not Alice Ripley. Still loving Alice. But, God, why does this happen to all the good ones?

Don't ask me if I'll be at closing. I was just told that I owe it to them, and I owe it to myself. What complete and utter bullshit. I'm not going. Screw all the sentimental loyalty crap, because nobody cares about that. Nobody cared when it was running, and now nobody will care about the closing. One more person that doesn't care will not make a difference.

So here is what I know now - Christiane Noll was unbelievable. The whole show was lovely. There are no other shows left that I really care about.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Okay, It's Someone's Birthday!

I am not an especially good person. My only redeeming quality is that I have never pretended to be one. I am a goddamn liar. I cheat mercilessly at Monopoly. I have been called a negative bitch. (Don't ask Lenora about any of that, because she'll tell you it's not true. She's got an infuriating habit of seeing the best in everyone.)

And now this selfish bitch knows what she wants for her birthday! Okay, here's my confession - I am a closeted Kacie Sheik fan. A really really BIG Kacie Sheik fan. God help me, I think she is the best part of Hair. The last time I saw it, I sat stuffed into my mezzanine seat and basically watched her for the entire show. We got word today that she's playing Joe's Pub on February 15. Caissie Levy and her weave will be there too, but I can take or leave her. But I am excited. I can't remember the last time I was actually excited. The past few months have been blah. Happy as hell, but blah.

I'm starting to think about my new year's resolutions. So far I've come up with:

1. Stop saying son of a bitch.
2. Cut back on the blue Powerade.

That's it. It's not that I think I'm a perfect person. It's just that there's nothing else I'm really willing to give up. See? I'm b-b-bad to the bone. Not really. I'm sitting here in my purple bedroom eating frozen cream puffs. That should give you an idea of just how quickly I'm going to hell.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

All Right, Mr. De Mille...

So I got Sunset Boulevard on DVD yesterday. It was wonderful. It IS wonderful. Gloria Swanson is utter magic as faded film star Norma Desmond. She is heartbreaking, repulsive, and utterly terrifying. Look at that. She makes such a lovely loony. Since you're going to She wasn't. There was nobody better than Lady Olivier. But long live Norma Desmond.
I've already told you that I'm going to see A Little Night Music on January 22. That is a very, very nice present. My first Sondheim, my first Lansbury! What makes it so wonderful is that this is the first show that my mother has elected not to see on a Sunday. And that's just a goddamn miracle.

Friday, December 25, 2009


I slept last night. I got a Renee Fleming CD with all the Streetcar arias. Night Music on the 22. I got a Snuggie. It makes me look like a Jedi.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

So This is Christmas

Welcome back, suckers. It's Christmas Eve. Everyone knows Christmas Eve is better than Christmas. Because it just is.

So I recently got a request to post a Christmas list for this year. Truth is, I started a few posts with that intention, and I abandoned them all. I'm not gonna get all Allison Case-ish on you and say that I don't want anything for myself. I think we all know by now that I sure as hell do. I want to see Night Music. I want Ragtime, Hair, and Next to Normal to be running this time next year. I want, I want, I want. And I hate myself for wanting, because that is insanely selfish. Let's see if the old girl can redeem herself.

Here's the truth - I would give up every Christmas present I've ever gotten if I could be happy for the rest of my life. I want to be happy, and I want to be free. And I want that for you, too. One of my favorite sayings - "Keep going and believe, every second of every day, that it will come to good in the end." So, um, do that. And more I cannot wish you. Blessings on your head. Cream puffs and cheesecake are good for the soul. Life IS a cabaret. Merry Christmas to all and to all shut the hell up.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Contents of the Artist's Purse

Welcome back, suckers. So, while I sit here and wait for my iPod to charge so I can work off some of that lentil soup I just ate, I thought I'd walk all of you darlings through the contents of my bag. This is a very nice bag. I take it to every show. It is not heavy. It never gets lost or damaged. I think I will bring this bag to every show I ever see in my lifetime. Ready? Here we go!

cherry Chapstick

Hair Playbill

Marriott pen

red lucky Sharpie

black pen

confetti from Broadway on Broadway

glitter from Speech and Debate



silver Sharpie

Rock of Ages handout


four lipglosses


black button

purple guitar pick

Hair tickets (August 8/August 20/December 17)

Speech and Debate ticket (Jan. 5)

August: Osage County ticket (June 28)



There. That was lots of fun. I'm sure most of you are now thinking that I look somewhat like her. I'd never wear fur, and the aforementioned bag does not have Marilyn Monroe splashed on it. But doesn't she just look so much like Little Edie? For some reason, Christmas time always reminds me of the Beales. Love those crazy ladies. Grey Gardens was a wonderful movie and a wonderful musical. Unfortunately, the darling thing went the way of Caroline, or Change. Confession: One of my greatest fears is ending up trapped like Little Edie. But she was still wonderful, right? Of course right.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Lovely Lady

May Brittany Murphy rest in peace. She has passed away from cardiac arrest at age 32. She was a great talent that left us too soon. (For the record, she was the only one who I would have trusted to be Sally in a Cabaret movie remake.) Rest is peace, lovely lady. A blessing on your head.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Be Still My Heart

Damn. Berri and Lenora just got me second row tickets for Next to Normal on January 30. I'm a bit concerned that an impending strike will take them away from me, but what difference does it make? An offer comes, you take. Right? Of course right. Apparently, we've had the seats since the end of October. That means that for the past month and a half, Lenora, who never lies about anything, sat there and read all my gushy Alice Ripley posts and didn't say a word to me. Oh, Nora, you sly boots. (She also got me feather earrings. I love feathers.) So I am excited. Very excited. And very scared. Next to Normal had me riveted to my seat from the last row of the mezzanine. I can't imagine what the second row will be like.

So I saw Hair on Thursday. And it was empty. Ridiculously empty. From my seat in the seventh row of the mezzanine, I could tell that the entire rest of the mezz was completely empty. Really. Not a goddamn soul up there. That said, it is still a wonderful show. I let myself loose, screamed, laughed, and danced. Normally I am very careful not to disturb people, but the sad truth was that there really wasn't anybody to disturb. It is still the same show. Will Swenson is still wonderful, Gavin Creel's wig is still not good, and Kacie Sheik still uses a voice that sounds absolutely nothing like her real speaking voice. But then it is not the same show. Something is missing. An audience, perhaps? Hang on, darlings. You can make it through the winter.

I got my very first experience with audience interaction. Hannah Shankman caught me singing along to Ain't Got No Grass. She climbed the railing in front of me and started screaming the song in my face and thrashing her head. I got frazzled, forgot the words, and stopped singing. She stopped singing and we stared at each other for a moment before she awkwardly climbed down and walked away. It was so epic and uncomfortable.

Will Swenson decided to choose a sixteen-year-old girl as his mother and proceed to make out with her in front of the entire theatre. I want to be Will Swenson's mom. Other than that, there's really nothing to say except that Allison Case's replacement is her in every way, shape and form. She sings like her. She sounds like her. She looks like her. There was one point where I couldn't tell that it wasn't her. But she is wonderful. She is better at being Allison Case than Allison Case is.

I ran down to the stage, as always. By myself. And I danced. By myself. Kacie Sheik complimented my peacock feather earrings. I elected not to tell her that they were Lenora's. Since I had shoved daisies into my hair and down my shirt, the new Allison Case stopped me as I went down the stairs.

Girl Who is a Better Allison Case Than Allison Case: "Oh, I love your flowers!"
Me: "Thanks."
Girl Who is a Better Allison Case Than Allison Case: "Can I give you a hug?"
Me: "Um...okay."

That was also epic and uncomfortable.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

It Turns Out God Had A Hell of a Lot in Store

I am not going to insult Ragtime by trying to describe it to you here. All I know is that it was really goddamn good. Here's one thing I know for certain - I am the type of person who notices the nuances. So if nobody else noticed the desperate shrillness of Evelyn Nesbit's "Whee" during Atlantic City, or that Younger Brother was crying real tears during Make Them Hear You, that's a damn shame.

Christiane Noll is utter dynamite as Mother. This lovely lady certainly deserves the Tony, and ain't no Catherine Zeta Jones gon' take it from her. Quentin Earl Darrington's expert line delivery has made me decide to make "Listen to THAT Ragtime!" my new catch phrase. It means something alone the lines of "Smoke on your pipe and put that in." Savannah Wise is a very nice Evelyn Nesbit, but I really wanted to see Leigh Ann Larkin do it. Until I saw Ron Bohmer's interpretation, I never realized what a douchebag Father is. (And that is a major testament to Mr. Bohmer's acting.)

And then we come to Bobby Steggert as Younger Brother. Even though he basically took all of his second act lines and SCREAMED THEM, I thought he did a very good job. And he is cute. Adorable. Not in the way Aaron Tveit is "Oh Lord can a person really look like that" beautiful, mind you, but a kind of "Awww, he looks like a little boy" beautiful. You know. That kind of beautiful. See? I told you he was adorable. Possible Best Supporting Actor nom there.

I am well aware of how disjointed this post was. I'm still a bit frazzled from what I saw this afternoon. As Violet Weston, god rest her and her family, would say, "Just gimme a few days to get my feet under me."

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tomorrow We'll Discover What Our God in Heaven Has in Store

So tomorrow's Ragtime. I'm not as excited as I thought I'd be. I still need to pick out an outfit. I just found out that I'm seeing Hair next Thursday. That's very nice to know. I'm also seeing Jersey Boys at the end of January. Here's the thing - I really really really REALLY don't want to see that one. But it's for Berri's birthday, and I have no place turning that down. Right? Of course right.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Happy Birthday

Today is Spring Awakening's third birthday. I almost forgot. This is one of the shows that I can say truly changed me. I still love it, and I still use the phrase "Oh, God, what a bitch."

Happy birthday to this beautiful show.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

How Endearingly Horrifying

RATS IN THE STREETS AND THE LUNATICS YELLING AT THE MOON IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! Good Lord, Corbin Bleu is the next Usnavi. Put me on the list of people who never saw this coming. I am shocked. I am terrified. I am horrified. I feel a bit like Fruma Sarah. "Such a learned man as Lin Manuel Miranda wouldn't let it happen! Tell me that it isn't true and then I wouldn't worry!" But apparently Lin backs this guy %100, so what can I do but trust his better judgement? Well, good luck Mr. Bleu. A blessing on your head. Mazel tov. Mazel tov.

Four days to Ragtime. I am excited, to put it mildly. Apparently Monday is Alice Ripley's birthday? Let's see...popping over to Imdb...ah, yes. The talented Ms. Ripley is going to be 46. A blessing on her head. Mazel tov. Mazel tov.

Jebus, I love Tevye's Dream.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Tell Me Who Do You Love, Man?

Welcome back, suckers. (And may I point out that I now have a third follower! Hello, darling. It's very nice to have you on board. I hope you like Alice Ripley. We get a lot of her around these parts.)

I love lists. is epic. So, why not include another list right away? I know you just love it when I do crap like this. Hmm...Got it. My favorite Broadway performers, living and dead, whether I have actually seen them live or not!

Alice Ripley
Vivien Leigh
Will Swenson
Sutton Foster
Christine Ebersole
Gavin Creel
John Gallagher Jr.
Lin Manuel Miranda
Boyd Gaines
Brynn O'Malley
Raul Esparza
Laura Benanti
Michael Cerveris
Jonathan Groff
Amy Morton
Joel Grey
Aaron Tveit
Sherie Renee Scott
Emily Skinner
Norm Lewis
Jenn Damiano
Lea Michele
Kacie Sheik
Caissie Levy
Allison Guinn
Tonya Pinkins
Natahsa Richardson
Alan Cumming
Cheyenne Jackson
Sarah Steele
Brian Stokes Mitchell
John Tartaglia
Priscilla Lopez
Krysta Rodriguez
Jackie Hoffman
Christiane Noll
Daniel Evans
Jenna Russell
Audra McDonald
Gina Gershon
Angela Lansbury

And many more. Wow. A part of me is amazed that I had the patience to type all those. Anywho, while I'm in a listy mood, might as well clack out my least favorites.

Patti LuPone
Matt Cavenaugh
Bernadette Peters
Harvey Firestein
Idina Menzel
Adam Pascal
Mandy Patinkin
Donna Murphy

There now. That was fun.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Saturday Morning

No closing notice yet. I am beginning to think that I may possibly have jumped the gun on this one. But really - I got fourth row Ragtime tickets. Exactly how much bad has come out of that? So here's what I'm thinking - the closing was just a rumor, and I've got marvelous seats to a show that I've wanted to see for a revival I've been waiting for for the past ten years. If that's what falsely prognosticating gets me, then, son of a bitch, Wicked's closing next week!

So it's Saturday morning. I'm not particularly fond of Saturdays. It's just a stop to all the running around I do during the week. And I thrive on running around. The only good Saturdays I've ever had have been the ones I spent in a theatre. Still, my show day is usually Sunday. I can't tell you how much I resent that. Really, is there anything more depressing than seeing a show and knowing you can't stay up late that night, marveling at what you have seen?

So in a few hours I've got to prettify myself for a sweet sixteen. Here's what I think - it's lots of fun to get dressed up, but that's not what humans are meant for. We are all most beautiful in our natural state. As Alice Ripley said, "If they say we're not then f-ck 'em."

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hope is One Sick Son of a Bitch

No closing notice posted yet. So I am hoping. Experience has taught me that hope can kill you faster than anything else on the planet. And yet there have been times when I've lived on hope alone. It's like this - if you're going to die of thirst, would you drink poison to save yourself? See what I mean? Lesson for the day - hope is one sick son of a bitch.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My Heart is Broken

SON OF A GODDAMN BITCH! My heart is broken. Word on the street is that Ragtime, my beautiful Ragtime, is closing on January 3. This is so disappointing. But, God damn it, I am not letting this one get away. I said I was going to see it and I am. As soon as is earthly possible. It was supposed to be my Christmas present. I am not waiting until Christmas. As Coalhouse Walker said, I will not move from where I'm standing. And this is not over yet. A month to go? Fine. Absolutely goddamn wonderful. Let it be a month.

I'll be there at least once during this month. Make them hear you, right? Of course right. I will go see Ragtime, this show I love so much, and I will stand and scream and cheer and make them hear me. This show did not live long enough to gain a really loyal fan base. But there was a small one, at least. And I was one of them.

But here's the truth - there are worse things than this. Of course I'm very upset. I'm livid. I'm disillusioned. But still, there are worse things than this. All hope is not lost. I can still go see it. I'm sure you can infer by now that this revival means the world to me.

But what? In my ten-minute break that I took between paragraphs, I shot downstairs and got myself two tickets for next weekend. Like I said, I wasn't letting this one get by me. So, who's ready for a Ragtime blitzkrieg? I am, as you know, a mezzanine crawler. So my fourth row tickets are a rare treat. But that will not be all. In the weeks to come I will get to the Neil Simon as much as I possibly can. I don't care where I sit, cause this is freaking Ragtime. And since my birthday is conveniently three days after the purported closing, I'm thinking there is no other way I'd rather celebrate a new year and a birthday.

Well, so that's that. Ragtime is closing. Serves me right for being so awful about Birdie, I guess. Anyway, I'm still here, no one has died, and Obama is still president. Oh, Ragtime. I salute you. God be with you. I will miss you.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Suck on That!

Bye Bye Birdie is closing on January 24. So, I guess, um, Bye Bye, Birdie. Now, I never wish for a show to fail, well, I kinda wanted this one to fail. I'll admit it. It should have been SIDE SHOW, damn it. At the very least, a seasoned vet should have gotten Albert. But it's going going GONE! Much love and luck to the cast. I'm truly sorry that everyone involved with the show is losing their job. Really, I am. But to the show itself I say die, vampire die.

Knocking Birdie out of the box puts Ragtime one step closer to that Best Revival Tony. Come on, folks. You can hang on until then. I also have something very awful and childish to admit: When I scooted over to Broadwayworld and saw the headline that announced Birdie's demise, I shouted something to the effect of, "OHO! SUCK ON THAT, JOHN STAMOS!"