Friday, July 3, 2009

Bring on the Summer

I've been gone for two days at most, and we have loads to talk about. First: Rest in peace, Karl Malden. This wonderful man starred in two movies that are very dear to me - he was Mitch in A Streetcar Named Desire, and Herbie in the Gypsy that didn't suck. We're gonna miss you, Mr. Malden.

Second - As predicted, Ragtime's taking the Neil Simon. Previews start October 23. I couldn't be happier, and I'll be god damned if I miss this one. Also, I would just be pleased as punch if Leigh Ann Larkin played Evelyn Nesbit again. Evelyn's a character that I don't think gets enough love, even though there's quite a lot to her. She gets to sing The Crime of the Century and gets an Atlantic City solo. Plus, like most of characters, she actually existed. Here she is on the left. Isn't her hair fantastic? Some people think she's the most beautiful woman who ever lived, yet nobody really knows who she is. Evelyn was a young artist's model whose husband, the psychopath Harry K. Thaw, was tried and acquitted of killing her lover, architect Stanford White. Scintillating. Anyway, Leigh Ann Larkin, who played June to Laura's Benanti's wonderful Louise in the latest, most unfortunate revival of Gypsy, is a perfectly marvelous actress, but she's up for Petra in the A Little Night Music Revival. Let's get this straight. I am a Sondheim fan. A Little Night Music is a lovely show. I want Ragtime to win Best Revival. But getting back to the subject at hand - Last night I had a dream that Kristin Chenoweth played Evelyn Nesbit. It was a bad dream. It was a real bad dream. Before we get off the subject of Ragtime, let me say that my poor little heart will just be shattered if neither Emily Skinner nor Mary Testa gets Emma Goldman. (And I don't care what you think, The Night That Goldman Spoke at Union Square is one of the best songs in the show.)

Next, and most horrifying, is the fact that some joker thought it would be a good idea to turn The Nutty Professor into a musical. I have to say, that is the most appalling thing I have ever heard. Make a musical out of The Nutty Professor? Why don't we lick the floor of a Coney Island bathroom while we're at it? Or maybe we could slap Patti LuPone in the face and see how she reacts. Actually, no. I'm not that crazy. But really, this is one big epic FAIL. It's utterly un-American. It just defaces all our good ole American morals. As Barbara Fordham says, "We f*cked the Indians for THIS?" (Oh, and by the way. I was moderately disappointed in Amy Morton's delivery of my favorite line. You folks don't understand. I was waiting the entire show to hear her say it. And apparently, Ms. Morton doesn't love that line half as much as I do. She didn't scream it. She didn't throw her head back or spread her arms. She kind of just pointed a finger at Ivy and said quickly, "You don't wanna break shit with me, motherf*cker." As a matter of fact, her whole "Eat the fish, bitch" scene was heartbreakingly un-terrifying.) This news is breaking my heart, chums. However, nothing could possibly hurt more than the fact that we're supposed to be welcoming Spider Man: THE MUSICAL! with open arms. Folks, I think we know by now that my arms are hardly ever open, and certainly not for this tourist trap. It's like the ultimate degradation, and coupled with the fact that they've somehow roped Alan Cumming into it, it's only getting worse. I know I'm a snob, but so help me, I'm not setting foot inside the Hilton while this one's playing. there. That oughta show 'em.

Item number four - The Little Mermaid and Avenue Q have posted closing notices. I don't care very much either way about Avenue Q, but as for The Little Mermaid, and God forgive me for saying this, good freaking riddance. And STAY out. Okay, so I'm being harsh. This one gave Norm Lewis a job for almost two years. Oh, Norm Lewis. I liked you better in your SIDE SHOW days.

Five - two of my favorite Broadwaysecrets from this week:Dear Andrew Kober: I'm sorry for thinking you were arrogant. Just ignore me. I'm like that to everyone. Carry on with your "fierceness."

No, good sir or madam, as a matter, of fact, you are not. But, hey, I'm not sayin' nothin'. (Which is not to imply that I have any inside dope on the situation. Heh heh. "Inside dope." Okay, you know what? Forgive me for the fact that I'm ODing on the A:OC quotes. I cannot help my love for the Westons and their dysfunction.) In regard to this picture, I highly doubt it's true, but it makes no difference either way. I still think they're both wonderful, even though Allison Case sometimes acts like a two-year-old and Kacie Sheik has the most distracting hair I've ever seen in my life. Also, I think the "totally doing it" secrets that these people come up with, while wildly inappropriate and creepy, can sometimes be really damn entertaining. But moving on.

Fangirling for a small moment. (Hey, it's a Friday night and I'm not feeling well, which is why I'm sitting here in the first place. I deserve it.) Okay, my vote for Hottest Guy on Broadway will always, always, always go to Will Swenson, but this picture makes me hate Matt Cavenaugh a little bit less. Really, not THAT much less. I'm sorry, but I cannot forgive him his blandness, or his affection for dramatic pauses, or that goddamn Kennedy accent. Come to think of it, the Jerry drawl was pretty bad, too. Watch it, man. Jerry Torre's still alive. Let's not be a caricature. Since there's an ocean of space here on the right that will look awkward if I don't fill it up, why don't we all observe a picture of Gavin Creel? There. That's better. Hi, there, Mr. Creel. Hi there, puppy. The dog's name is Wally, but it would be creepy if I admitted I knew that. On some level, this picture makes me wish I were a gay man. (We're talking about the guy, not the dog, you perverts.)

I've been putting this part off for the entire post. I joined Facebook. Yes, the rumors are true. Like it or not, they got me. I don't know why I did it, but I'm slightly enjoying it. I guess you could liken the feeling to the one I had when I left Guys and Dolls. "Hey, that wasn't as bad as I though it would be." Maybe you could say I'm pleasantly surprised. I have 39 friends so far. Since I've joined Facebook, I think my self-esteem has gotten a major boost. Getting friend requests from people you've met but never talk to makes you think you're a lot more popular than you really are. Yes, I did friend Alice Ripley, for old times' sake. "Old times' sake" was a month ago, but it doesn't matter. I said I would friend her if I ever joined Facebook, and I did. See? I keep my word. I said I would never set foot at the Nederlander stage door and so far I haven't done that, either.

Sarah Palin announced today that she's resigning. I smell a scandal. Ooh, I have to talk to Lenora. Making fun of Sarah Palin is one of the rocks upon which our friendship is built. Good strong foundation there. Everybody knows she's gonna run in 2012, which is gonna be freakin' hilarious. Come on, Palin. Make my day.

I'm sorry, I had to show you folks this: Allison Case doing charity work with little children. I don't think I've seen anything quite so proverbial in my entire life.

Alas, tomorrow is the Fourth of July. Happy birthday, Abie Baby. Yes, of course I know Abe Lincoln wasn't born on the Fourth. I'm ignorant, not dumb. There's a difference. It just seemed like a good thing to say.

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