Friday, November 28, 2008

Christmas Wishes

Welcome back, suckers. Glad to see you're still here. (If, in fact, you are actually reading this and I'm not just talking to myself like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And that's a freaking great movie, FYI.) So, today is the first official day of the Christmas Season: Black Friday. Already, there has been one Christmas Casualty. Some poor Walmart worker was trampled to death by a crowd of rabid shoppers. Come the hell on, people. This is not Lord of the Flies. Stand in line like a normal freaking adult. You'll get your discounted TV soon enough, you goddamn savage. I don't know about you guys, but where I come from, there are better places to shop than Walmart. This is not Wyoming. I would be pretty damn offended if my Christmas present came from Walmart. I guess Mormon-style floral print frocks and kitten sweaters just aren't my thing.

But, I thought it would be fun (for me, not for you), to list what I actually DO want for Christmas. So here we go:

First up are tickets to August: Osage County. I don't know about you, but I think it would be pretty awesome to see a grown woman scream, "EAT THE FISH, BITCH!" at her mother. For those of you who think I'm crazy, remember: I go for the offbeat stuff. Keep in mind that my second-favorite show stars a pair of Siamese twins. I don't care what anybody says, SIDE SHOW was Broadway gold. If my predictions are correct, August: Osage County, like most other good shows, is on its way out. I just hope I get to see it before they post the dreaded closing notice.

Two: A kickass time machine so I could go back in time to 2001 and see Gina Gershon in Cabaret. I love love love love love Cabaret. It's the darkest most bizarre-o show ever, and it's partly why I'm afraid of Alan Cumming. But that's a whole other story. In my opinion, Gina Gershon was the best Sally Bowles in that revival. Oh, and I don't think Liza is the definitive Sally. That's right, I said it! Now who's gonna care enough to call me on it? It's not really her fault though. When you get right down to it, the movie isn't really Cabaret. It's just another story built around the music. And the final song is meant to be a complete mental breakdown number, not a lovely little chance for Sally to show off her pretty purple dress. Seriously. Google "Jane Horrocks Cabaret" and prepare to be terrified. It's scarier than the economy.

Third: It would just be ginger peachy if they could remake Twilight. It would be even more ginger peachy if they could cast a new Bella that actually showed some emotion. Let's get one thing straight here, folks: I am no Twilight fan. I don't care very much either way. I can take or leave the books that most teenagers are reading as if the pages are laced with crack. I care even less about the movie. It just bothers me because it enhances the stereotype that Kristen Stewart is talented. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have a Momma Rose moment. Stand back. "You haven't any talent! Talent for the deaf, dumb, and blind, maybe! Not an ounce of it!" So there.

Fourth: I cannot tell you all how very much I would love it if Sarah Palin got her own talk show. I promise I would tune in every night. She could be like a Moose Whisperer. I think she would be pretty good at that, don't you? My next door neighbor, "Maisie" (heh heh. Maisie.) shares my sentiments. She too is fascinated with Sarah Palin. It's like when you drive past a car accident: It's a horrible, horrible, twisted wreck, and yet you can't look away. In fact, I promised Maisie that I would quote her on my blog. It was she who said, "I love Sarah Palin. I like become her at night." Truer words have never been spoken, friends.

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