Saturday, November 8, 2008

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Hello, darlings! Yeah, that was a weird opening but I'm watching Cabaret right now and Sally Bowles is starting to rub off on me. (And if you've never seen Cabaret you just don't know what you're missing. Ain't nothing like seeing Joel Grey waltz around with a gorilla in Nazi Germany.) But anyway. I have come to the conclusion that this world is soooooo incredibly messed up that my hero Barack Obama may not even be able to save it.

Before we get to why the world is so messed up, there is one thing I have to point out. Nothing annoys me more than when people knock in recognizable melodies. Oh, my God. I absolutely hate that! It is more irritating than a two-hour Richard Simmons workout video, more irritating than Patti LuPone's snarling dog voice, more irritating than even Rent. I'm sorry, but if you come to my house and knock in a recognizable melody, I will have to kill you. Don't take it personally.

Okay, now back to the main topic. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please... You're gonna wanna be sitting down for this. The squeamish should look away. The emotionally vulnerable need not read any further. Okay, here we go. Presenting, in person, direct from the dredges of 1970's educational television, I give you: SAFETY SCOUTS!! Please tell me I'm not the only one who was subjected to this. Oh, how well I remember how my second-grade teacher would force all her unsuspecting students to sit and absorb the horrors. The poor dear had no clue how truly creepy this show was. I used to have nightmares that the scary puppet lady with the Howdy-Doody mouth and wide-open Paula Deen eyes was coming to get me. This was a show that graphically depicted the horrific things that would happen to you if you weren't obssessively, unrealistically safe every minute of every day. The grisly, gruesome scenes were played out using the creepiest puppets known to man. If you watch the video, pull the little slidey thing to 6:20. You'll see a squirrel getting run over by a tractor. That was the very image that sent me home in tears, screaming for my mother. To this day I still dream about the awful picture of a puppet, drugged-looking squirrel getting flattened by a giant tractor wheel. I've never forgotten it, and I doubt I ever will. My therapist and I are working on it.

Okay. Sitaution Two. See that girl on the left? That's Emily Kinney, one of Spring Awakening's new chorus girls. Yes, I know in this picture she kinda has the facial expression of a serial killer right before they bring out the bloody cleaver, but I promise she's not that scary looking in real life. I met her once at a flea market in the city. I bought a prop letter from the show. Our awkward little exchange went something like this.
Me: *smiles nervously, pays for letter*
Her: "Oh, hi! Do you want me to sign that?!"
Me: "Um, okay...I guess-"
Her: "Great! It's no problem!" *snatches letter, scribbles her name*
Me: "Thanks."
Her: "There ya go! Signed by Emily Kinney!" *holds out letter*
*awkward silence while I wait for her to realize that it would be very much
appreciated if she could be ever so kind as to ask the two leads to sign it, too*
Her: "Oh! Oh, God, did you want the others to sign it, too?"
Me: "Um, well, if it's not too much trouble..."
Her: "No, it's fine! Hold on a sec!"

But that's beside the point. See, the thing is that Miss Emily Kinney also has a blog, and I occasionally pop in to read it. I like to think that I'm a tad funnier than she is, but that too is beside the point. So this morning I was bored, and I decided to see if she'd updated in the three months since I'd bothered to check her blog. And she HAD! Well, as you may know if you pay attention, I was an adorable little bumbly bee for Halloween this year. So as I waded through her posts, I came upon one about her Halloween. And guess what she was: A bumbly bee! What a freaking coincidence. She posted a picture, but I don't think she would appreciate it if I posted it here, since I don't, you know, actually know her. I can, however, assure you that the costume looked better on me.

So there you have it. We're living in a world that is so incredibly screwed that second-graders are forced to watch shows in which puppets drown, fall down the stairs, and get run over by tractors and I end up with the same Halloween costume as a semi-talented chorus girl. I'd like to write more, but the DVD is almost up to the part where Liza dons her purple dress and signs Cabaret, so for now I bid you all adieu.

WAIT! HOLD IT!! STOP THE PRESSES!!! Five seconds after signing out of the blog, I found a picture that it too incredible not to share with all of you. The second I saw it, I thought, "Oh, God, the kids on the blog would LOVE that!" So here we go: Possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Twilight fans, don't kill me for this.

Yeah, it's a freaking huge picture, but I want you all to notice the details. Yes, that is, in fact, Robert Pattinson. Yes, the girl that is clinging to him like a drunken little monkey is, in fact, Kristen Stewart. If you don't know (and lucky you), they are the stars of the Twilight movie, and, trust me, they're not the most talented things. I cannot tell you how much this picture makes me laugh. (However, it's like a kind of evil, crazed laugh, like the kind you hear from Mrs. Lovett right before she bakes you into a meat pie.) They are, obviously, under the influence of some kind of illegal substance. I'd say coke, though the lab results haven't come back yet. Oh, dear. KStew looks like she belongs in some bar in South Jersey wearing a blonde wig and singing a slurred reprise of Let Me Entertain You, then whining to the bar tender about her stage mother and eighty-four year old stepfather with a drinking problem. And RPattz. Oh, my poor, bewildered RPattz. He looks quite like one of the war-weary crackheads who used to discuss politics on my morning bus.

Well, I must say that of all the crappy posts I've penned so far, this one is by far my favorite. I haven't had this much fun since Rent closed. I hope you guys enjoyed this one. I'm sure it was filled with lots of eye rolling, maybe a few tiny laughs, and many, many, many moments of, "What the hell is she talking about?"

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