Adventures in Detention

Guess what happened today, folks. I received detention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first I was pretty upset, and Lenora was just emotionally shattered when I said I didn't want to see her Lady of Guadalupe picture. But then I realized what a great blog material this would make! I began to get unnaturally excited about doing time! As I sat through my classes clicking my heels together under my desk, I thought of all the marvelous things I would come here and tell you all. I've had all day to think about this one, children, so strap in.

The detention was issued in homeroom for the unfathomable crime of forgetting to bring in an absence note. I have to say, I was tremendously let down by the offense that landed me in detention. I always thought I would get carted off for something really radical and badass like arguing with the teacher over a Supreme Court case. Forgetting to bring in a five by three piece of paper is a pretty lame reason. The first thing I had to do was sign the detention slip. If I'd had my wits about me I probably would have said something like, "No autographs, please." Alas, I was so utterly shocked that I just scrawled my name and scuttled back to my seat. The whole situation was oddly reminiscent of one of my favorite Spring Awakening scenes where the teachers question Melchior and send him off to a reformatory. Of course, in this instance we were not rapidly switching back and forth between a nineteenth-century German headmaster's office and a pop-rock crossover song. Before I go on, I have to fulfill a promise made to a certain friend. This friend, who requested to be referred to only as Berri, said something pretty freaking clever as we were discussing my aversion to Rent. I believe it went something like this: "Just 'cause nobody gets raped or shows their butt doesn't make it a bad show!" I was so amazed that she had said it that I wasn't even offended by the blatant strike at Spring Awakening. I would love to know what this girl could do with August: Osage County.

Anyway, getting back on track. I spent the day proudly trumpeting the news of my eminent trip to detention. I was just pleased as punch to tell the tale to my friends, who could not quite understand why I was so happy about it. I tried to make them grasp the concept that I was absolutely giddy with the change. For one day I was gonna be buhbuhbuhbad to the bone! Nobody got it, and one person asked if I was on crack. It was marvelous.

When the hour of my detention finally came, I bid adieu to Lenora and proudly soldiered off to pay for my crimes against humanity. Coincidentally, the prison guard for today was a teacher who I am rather fond of. I was disappointed. All day I had been banking on a ruler-brandishing psycho who would make us recite ancient Greek and Latin texts. Imagine my disappointment when all I did was sit there and read. Really, people. I could do that at home. Here's the thing about detention, friends: It's not as fun as I thought it would be. There were no drug dealers. Nobody was blasting the radio or climbing the walls or throwing paper airplanes like you see in the movies. It was a heartbreaking letdown. I sat there and listened to fingers drumming and papers turning. It was more boring than the second act of Sunday in the Park With George. I had anticipated it being really dark and gritty, and that the lights would shift and suddenly everyone would be wearing leotards and bowler hats and start sing the Cell Block Tango. My heart was breaking worse than the time I saw Sutton Foster's understudy in Little Women.

So here's today's lesson, children: I've been to the dark side. Nobody was climbing the walls or singing ridiculously unrealistic Kander and Ebb songs. I think from now on I'll stick to the straight and narrow.