Monday, May 4, 2009

Judgement Day

"There you are! It isn't who you are but where you are! And there you are! And grateful are we to see how fine and fair you are! So lighting quick let's all kick up a fuss!" Edwin Drood is a great show, for your information. There You Are is one of my favorite opening numbers, right up there with Ragtime's Prologue, Come Look at the Freaks, and Wilkommen. (Pronounce it with a W. I dare you.) But I am not here to talk opening numbers. I am here because tomorrow we'll discover what our God in heaven has in store. It's Tony nominations time! Who's excited? Who's gonna stay up late tonight and pound the floor like a hippie, chanting for a Best Musical-Best Score-Best Actress trifecta for Next to Normal? (If you're actually planning on doing that, let me be the first to say that they have names for people like you. Trust me, friends. They have names.) Well, personally, I'm more excited than I would be if there was a Cabaret re-revival. We're talking pretty freaking excited, folks. Couple that with the fact that Amy Morton is coming back to Osage County to alienate her daughter and sisters, smash plates, and turn into her mother, and I'm so happy I could just attend a LuPone concert. Of course, joining August: Osage County at this point is kind of like getting on the Titanic. You're gonna have fun for a while, but that doesn't change the fact that you're doomed. Wow. I've strayed so far from the topic of this post that Jennifer Aniston will probably make an actual comeback before I get back on track.

Anyway, rumor has is that the ladies of 9 to 5 are all going to be considered Leading Actresses. That certainly spices things up a bit. So I'm tweaking my predictions to include:

Best Actress in a Musical:
Alice Ripley
Allison Janney
Megan Hilty
Kate Jennings Grant
Josefina Scaglione

Best Supporting Actress in a Musical:
Karen Olivo
Haydn Gwynne
Jennifer Damiano
Martha Plimpton
Caissie Levy

Now, you may be gasping in horror, shrieking, "B-but, are YOU actually nominating Caissie Levy? Didn't you know she once played ELPHABA? What happened to your pride? What happened to your Wicked allergy?" Or, you may not be. Could go either way. To be honest, friends, I happen to hate the character of Sheila. I hate her solo. I bores me. But Levy made me feel for her. She made me hate Berger for ripping up the shirt. She made me actually like Easy to be Hard. That deserves a nomination in my book. My sudden change of heart may have something to do with the Edwin Drood kick I'm on. "Not a lot we care for where you've been! And even less we care how you got in!"

There is one possible hole in my nominations. It's Martha Plimpton. Pal Joey's been gone a long time, folks. The committee might choose to axe Plimpton in favor of the crowd favorite Allison Case. I've already told you folks that I don't really buy into the Case love. I mean, take a look. I did not make this. I do not know the person who made this. I do not want to know the person who made this. The person who made this scares me more than Patti "Stop Taking Pictures" LuPone. This is a real Broadway Secret. (If you don't know what that is, I think I may have to shank you. Just kidding. I would never shank anyone.) But really. I don't have anything against her. She has good facial expressions and a pretty voice. The chin wobble thing works. But THE WOMAN CANNOT STOP ACTING WITH HER HANDS! It's freaking distracting. What is the appeal? Is it the hair? I'm pretty sure it's the hair. Mariann Mayberry has red hair too. I'm just sayin'.

Well, it's been a fun season. Tomorrow the real speculation can begin. I can't wait. But we've got some pretty rabid fan groups in the mix this season. There's Hair, Rock of Ages, and the utterly terrifying [title of show] groupies. Oh, and then of course we have the, "Raul Esparza WILL get a Tony some day!" group, the "It doesn't matter if she has scary eyes!" Alice Ripley fans (I am a proud member), and I'm pretty sure there are still some Wicked fans standing outside the Golden demanding that Avenue Q hand over the Best Musical Tony. This is gonna be fun. As Sophia immortally said to Blanche in my favorite episode of The Golden Girls, "Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk."

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